My Playlist
by Cammy Watkins, Executive Director
Let me preface this by saying: I’m OK, and I’ll let you know when I’m not.
As I launch into my second year as the sole Executive Director, I’ve realized that women (well, all genders, really) in leadership don’t talk enough about the “crying days.” If you don’t know what I mean by “the crying days,” I’m referring to those moments when you feel utterly defeated, like nothing you do or say is working or right, and all you want to do is scream, “F*&k it ALL!” But then you realize it’s just one of those days, so you wait it out (or in my case, cry it out). If you’ve never had a crying day, 😲 I tip my hat to you! You should probably stop reading now because none of this will make sense. But if you’re like me, and many of the folks I’ve talked to in leadership, keep reading because I think we need to talk more about it.
In this vulnerable moment, maybe I’ll be kicked out of the “Leaders’ Inner Circle” for pulling back the curtain on this, but I’m doing it anyway. #rebel #YouAintTheBossOfMe
This “ceiling” we’re all told to aspire to isn’t always as bright and shiny as it’s made out to be, and the critics are WAY more prevalent than anyone talks about. It can be really lonely, and it’s time we break the isolation. This is my opportunity to let you in on this experience, through the lens of my playlist.
A few months ago, a week before the Humanitarian Awards, I came home after a workout and found myself just wanting to listen to music. So I turned on my YT Music and had it play all my Liked tracks (warning: not all my songs carry a PG rating). The first track that came up was Andra Day’s “Rise Up.”
Then came a few upbeat songs like “Earth” and “Better When I’m Dancin’,” which shifted my mood. I found myself singing and bobbing around, memories flooding in from the moments and people these songs remind me of.
Then the next series of songs started, and they inspired this blog. “We Can Do Hard Things” became the anthem I didn’t know I needed three years ago when I finished my run for elected office (and by the way, I’m not doing that again, so please stop asking. K, love you, thanks).
That was followed by “Anyone;”
then “Try;”
then “Human;”
and then “Out Here on My Own.”
Cut to me—laying on my couch, wearing an eye mask—sobbing. Can you picture it? Is it in your mind’s eye? Now imagine a much uglier cry than you’re picturing, with the eye mask slipping off my face, and that’s what I looked like.
I didn’t realize I needed to cry, but my playlist did. Each song conjured up a mix of emotions, from resilience to inadequacy, loneliness to hope, and back again. These songs reflect everything I’ve felt this past year as I’ve tried to meet the ever-changing expectations and needs of this role. Every day, I’m grateful for the chance to pursue my life’s purpose of changing the world, because Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken (side note: this was my anthem during my run for office—again, not running again 😊). But y’all, this ish is exhausting!
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized my connection to my spiritual side has grown stronger. My playlist reflects this growth too. As I write this, “Hold on to Me” is playing, immediately followed by “You Will Be Found”:
“Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need someone to carry you, when you’re broken on the ground, you will be found.”
Then came “Love Heals”:
“When your face is salty wet, and you’re drowning in regret, don’t forget, Love Heals. When you feel you can’t go on, Love will carry you home.”
Through our work at IC, we’ve aimed to leave a legacy that reflects these lyrics. Sometimes I need to remember that I need support too.
September 1st marked the beginning of IC’s New Year. My resolution for this fiscal year is to ask for help because it’s out there. By sharing my need for support, I hope it gives others permission to do the same. Someone once said to me, as I was literally (and figuratively) trying to carry everything: “Let your community help you.” I thought, “I can carry all of this. It’s not heavy, and it’s not hard.” But just because I can do it all doesn’t mean I have to. So, I accepted her help, and I need to do that more. Maybe, just maybe, this change in me will create practices that make it a little easier for the next person in this seat to do the same.
I’m thankful for all the people in my life who see my True Colors. To this amazing team I have the privilege of leading, who allow me to be a whole person—thank you! Each of you are constant ambassadors of this work. I hope you know I’ve got you, just as I know you’ve got me.
Lastly, I’m bringing music back into my life. So, if you see me and it looks like it might be one of those crying days, or I’m on the edge of one, tell me to turn on some music! ❤
PS: Do you like my photo? #noFilter #FindYourLight IYKYK